So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
