You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
