im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
