i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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