This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
