I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
