oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize