I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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