Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
