My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
