hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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