Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
All I want is dick and wine.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
