Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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