i would punch a child for taco bell
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
