He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
