i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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