I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
