Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
