I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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