lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
