come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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