I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
