I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
