totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
