just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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