so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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