Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
