1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
