You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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