Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
