I just made out with a guy for $7.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
