Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
