Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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