You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
