My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
