I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
