I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
