Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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