If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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