Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
