hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
