I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
