I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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