Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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