i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
