I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize