Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
