My nipple is on Facebook.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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