I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
