I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
