so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
