Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
