The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
