Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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