He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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