The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize