If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I cut my penus on the lid.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
