Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize