The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize