Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Vodka?
Forever.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My feet surprised me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
