am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
