I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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