you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
