i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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