I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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