I hope mine doesn't look like that
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
