I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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